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You, Too, Can be Miss Runner Up for Most Advertising Pages Sold 

Hons, I’m so excited. My very own daughter could be the next NATIONAL AMERICAN JUNIOR PRE-TEEN MISS! I know, I know, I can hardly believe it myself.  

But there it was in pink and black letters, right on the application form that came in the mail the other day and which I hadn’t even asked for. Talk about good fortune just landing in your lap! 

And to think I’d never even heard of the National American Junior Pre-Teen Pageant. (motto: “Redundancies are us!”) 

“She’ll make new friends and have a fabulous time—we’re waiting for her!” the brochure says.

Oh, I just bet you are! 

All we’d need was $380 in sponsorship money before my daughter could “reach her potential” and find out “how far her dreams can take her!” 

Although much is made out of the fact that This Is Not A Beauty Contest, they asked for a recent photo with the application. I guess if you have, like, a baby’s arm growing out of the top of your head, you might be disqualified. 

I apologize. That was cynical. Shame on me! I have to say the pageant has thought of everything. They’ll even send us tips on how to find sponsors. A less worldly person might consider this a ripoff or even exploitation but, people, pageants are massively big, expensive productions that require, according to the pageant website, FLORISTS! 

And you don’t want some cheesy sound system and lighting do you? Heaven’s no, not at the fabulous Renaissance Suites Hotel, which just happens to be Official Pageant Headquarters and has in-room movies and ice machines on every floor and just everything. 

 The pageant stresses natural beauty (no makeup!) but you do have to model a fancy dress, which might set you back a few hundred bucks. But it’s worth it! Poise, presentation and personality count for 30 percent each with 10 percent for “community involvement” which turns out to be donating a book or stuffed animal to a good cause. Whew. That was easy. What if we had honestly had to get involved in our community? Ick. 

Still, the notion of securing sponsors for my little girl sounds daunting. Not to worry! The literature promised that they would help us learn how to approach prospective sponsors such as our dentist, our hairdresser and favorite local restaurants. Imagine how glad they’ll be to see us! 

And here’s the best part! If you don’t win the poise and presentation stuff, you can always win in the “optionals,” separate judged contests for things like “best spokesmodel” and “most advertising pages sold.”  

Sure, that last one might not sound all that glamorous, but a girl’s got to start somewhere. Doesn’t she?